Action and/or Adventure, Television

Tom Wopat in: MacGyver

as: Angus MacGyver (Who else?)

The timing of this one would’ve been perfect, as MacGyver began airing in the fall of 1985, after The Dukes of Hazzard had wrapped up its run in the spring of that year. Sure, Richard Dean Anderson would’ve been out of a job, but with Tom Wopat in the Angus MacGyver role, who would’ve missed him?

No one, that’s who. Wopat FTW!

Representative Scene: Opening Gambit

Obviously, for anyone to be a true MacGyver, they’ve got to do some MacGyvering. Anderson did a more than admirable job of this, as he basically invented it, but we think Tom Wopat could’ve been even better. The two actors share a similar physicality, and at the time had equally spectacular ‘80s hair. Luke Duke knew a thing or two about tinkering, having customized the General Lee to the hilt, so Wopat would likely have felt right at home rocking the Swiss Army Knife.

MacGyver’s “Opening Gambits” are the show’s cold opens where MacGyver MacGyvers his way out of a jam prior to the opening credits. Because they’re largely context-free, with MacGyver already elbow-deep in a mission, the Opening Gambits are a great place to start imagining Wopat in the role.

macgyver

Finding himself locked in a cluttered storage room by an unnamed villain, MacWopat must free himself using only what is readily available around him (as the character so often must).

Though he can’t just pick the dang lock, Tom MacGyver manages to unbolt a lengthy section of the room’s tubular ventilation shaft using just his bare hands. With a wide nylon packing strap he finds on one of the room’s many shelves, he secures the vent tube to a stack of wooden pallets.

MacWopat then stuffs a full beer keg, one of many stored in the corner of the room, into one end of the tube. The other end is pointed at the room’s sole door. He somehow unscrews the pressure gauge from the boiler (because of course that would be in the room, too) and jury rigs it onto the keg’s bunghole.

Using his sweet karate moves, our hero then smashes some of the wooden planks from the shelves into kindling, which he places into a handy metal bucket. He pours out a few bottles of whiskey onto the wood to help it light. However, Wopat then realizes he is sans fire starter. Fortunately, an overflowing ashcan yields a pack of matches.

Placing his bucket of kindling under the exposed end of the keg, MacWopat sets the wood and booze aflame. He watches as the pressure gauge slowly makes its way into the red. When he determines the time is right, Wopat gives the pressure gauge a swift kick. It snaps off, and the resulting jet of superheated beer sends the keg rocketing into the door, smashing it to splinters.

MacWopat escapes into the night. Roll opening credits.

Photo credit: Charles Williams via Foter.com / CC BY

Classics, Drama

Tom Wopat in: The Godfather

as: Michael Corleone

Though it’s hard to imagine anyone but Al Pacino in the role for which he won his first Academy Award nomination, the screen legend was not the film’s producers’ first choice for the part of Michael Corleone. Tom Wopat is not even remotely Italian, but neither are Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, or Ryan O’Neal, all of whom were in the running for the part at one time or another. In fact, the role originally went to James Caan, who ultimately would play Michael’s older brother Sonny in The Godfather.

Basically, what I’m saying here is, Tom Wopat could’ve (and would’ve) been fantastic as Michael Corleone.

"I'll  make him an offer... you know the rest."

“I’ll make him an offer… you know the rest.”

Notes

As The Godfather is essentially a perfect movie, I wouldn’t deign to suggest any major changes in the Michael role. There are, however, a few issues that would’ve needed to be addressed.

Pacino was 31 years old at the time The Godfather was shot; Wopat would’ve been only 20. However, I don’t see this as being a huge problem. In the movie, Michael Corleone is 25, so 20 wouldn’t have been too far off.

And, if the filmmakers worried that Wopat appeared to young, they could have used makeup to make him appear slightly older. They did a bang up job on Marlon Brando in his Oscar winning role as Vito Corleone—Brando was 41 at the time, but was made to look as though he was in his late 50s/early 60s.

Another potential problem is a matter of body type. In the book on which the movie is based, it is stated that Sonny Corleone is a tall, muscly fellow, while younger brother Michael is shorter and slighter. This wasn’t an issue in the actual film, as Caan, at five-foot-nine, really is a few inches taller than Pacino; Caan was also considerably broader than his wiry-framed co-star.

Wopat, however, stands an even six feet and has a more athletic build than Pacino. But, as countless films have shown, height differences can be easily compensated for with very, very basic filmmaking tricks. And, beside a young James Caan, young Tom Wopat would still have been much thinner—simple costuming choices could’ve further disguised this.

Finally, you may be thinking, “Al Pacino is one of the greatest actors of his generation. Could Tom Wopat really have held his own in a film like The Godfather?”

Well, you gosh darn Doubting Thomas, The Godfather was just Pacino’s third film role, and the first in which he had a major part. He was a relative unknown, as Wopat was at the time. Few people outside of Francis Ford Coppola suspected that Pacino was capable of delivering the exceptional performance that he did. Who’s to say that Tom Wopat couldn’t have knocked it out of the park, as well? The man’s got chops aplenty.

Photo credit: alvarezperea via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

Kids and/or Family, Science Fiction and/or Fantasy

Tom Wopat in: The Harry Potter Series

as: Severus Snape

For Harry Potter fanatics—and fans of good books in general—Severus Snape is one of the most compelling and complex characters in the stories’ universe. The late, great Alan Rickman’s portrayal of Snape is nothing short of magnificent across all eight Potter films, particularly at the conclusion of the series when the character’s motivations and backstory are completely fleshed out. There are few actors who could’ve delivered a better performance in the role than Rickman.

Tom Wopat is one of them.

Key Changes

First of all, Tom Wopat is decidedly un-British. I’ve never heard him speak with a faux-British accent, but I bet he could totally nail it, because he’s Tom Wopat. However, without Rickman’s unique voice, Snape’s lines would’ve lost some of their snarl. An accented-up Wopat surely would’ve given his readings his own flavor, but different sections of dialogue would’ve stuck in viewers heads as Snape’s “signature” lines.

slytherin

Wopat is roughly five years younger than Rickman—not much of a difference, but it does put him more closely in line with the age the character would’ve been, according to information presented in the books. When the first movie in the series, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (renamed the Sorcerer’s Stone for us Neanderthal Americans), was released in 2001, Wopat was 50 years old. Snape was a classmate of Harry Potter’s parents, and Harry himself is 11 when the story begins. This would mean that Harry’s parents were around 39 when he was born—not exactly how things are described in the books, but 40-ish is a little easier to fudge than 45-ish.

In the film series, particularly the early entries, Harry and his fellow Hogwarts students comment on Snape’s unpleasant appearance. It’s hard to believe that, even with the magic of movie makeup, the filmmakers could’ve uglied up Tom Wopat enough for these lines to land. Instead, the lines would’ve had to be changed. One of the older female students—a friend of Fred and George Weasley, perhaps—could’ve made a comment along the lines of “Professor Snape is so awful, I can’t stand his classes…but he sure is dreamy” or whatever British teenagers say.

Photo credit: Karen Roe via Foter.com / CC BY

Classics, Kids and/or Family, Science Fiction and/or Fantasy

Tom Wopat in: Labyrinth

as: Jareth the Goblin King

I’m sure you’re thinking this one is kind of a stretch, but hear me out…

While their careers couldn’t be more different, both Tom Wopat and the late, great David Bowie were pretty close to the top of the celebrity food chain in 1986 when Labyrinth was released. David Bowie spent most of the year David Bowie-ing, as is his wont. The Dukes of Hazzard had just ended its run on television after seven seasons, so Wopat would’ve been perfectly positioned to make a major move into film work.

labyrinth

Key Changes

For our “Tom Wopat as Jareth the Goblin King” re-imagining of Labyrinth, there are two key issues which must be addressed.

First, the music. Labyrinth is a brilliant, visually stunning movie, but the songs in it are all pretty terrible. Don’t get me wrong, Bowie gave us some genuine masterpieces, but “Magic Dance” is not one of them. (Same goes for the other four tracks the Thin White Duke wrote and recorded for the film). Wopat, being a singer as well, could’ve put a whole different spin on it. He likely would’ve created more organic, folk-inspired songs, which for my money would fit the film better. Why would a mythical creature—like Jareth—in a vaguely Medieval setting—like the labyrinth—sing weird, dancey ‘80s pop? An acoustic guitar (or a lute or whatever) seems more natural to Labyrinth’s world than a synthesizer.

Second, costuming and makeup. Bowie didn’t actually wear any costumes in the movie—he just showed up in his street clothes and they started shooting. I don’t think Wopat would’ve looked quite the same in all that spandex and bright colored makeup; the Jareth costumes would have to be a bit more… earthy, let’s say. Animal pelts/furs and rough-cut leather would be a little more in Jareth Wopat’s wheelhouse, methinks. This direction seems like it would work better with the change in music, as well. Makeup could still be used to give the character a fantastical look, but instead of reds and purples and pinks, maybe dark greens and blues—again, just a bit more organic looking.

Photo credit: 7th Street Theatre via Foter.com / CC BY

Classics, Comedy, Science Fiction and/or Fantasy

Tom Wopat in: The Back to the Future Trilogy

as: Biff Tannen

Wopat as the villain? Back to the Future’s Biff Tannen is one of the all-time great movie bad guys—you couldn’t say he’s a villain, exactly, just a massive jerk who has a way with the word “butthead.” And great though Thomas F. Wilson was in the role, we think Tom Wopat would’ve given it a little something extra by not only making Biff a jerk, but a good-looking jerk. (Which is the very worst kind.)

back to the future

Wopat would, of course, portray the young, middle-aged, and elderly versions of Biff through the magic of movie makeup. He would also play Griff Tannen in Back to the Future Part II and Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen in Back to the Future Part III.

Representative Scene: Café Kerfuffle & Skateboard Chase

Time-traveler Marty (Michael J. Fox) and George McFly (Crispin Glover) are at the counter at Lou’s Café, going over a plan for George to win the heart of Lorraine Baines (Lea Thompson). In walks Biff (Tom Wopat) and his gang of teenage ne’er-do-wells.

“Hey McFly,” Biff Wopat yells to George, “I thought I told you never to come in here. Well, it’s gonna cost you. How much money you got on you?”

Biff advances menacingly toward George, but Marty sticks his leg out and trips him. Biff is quickly back on his feet and now stands towering over the much, much shorter Marty.

“All right, punk,” says Tom Wopat as Biff, “now I’m gonna—”

“Whoa, Biff,” Marty says, pointing out the window over Biff’s shoulder. “What’s that?”

Biff is momentarily distracted, and Marty suckerpunches him in the face. Using the catlike reflexes he displayed in his action scenes in The Dukes of Hazzard, Wopat counters with a jab of his own, then sends Marty flying through the window with a spinning karate kick.

Marty quickly gets back to his feet, shaking shards of broken glass off his jacket. He spots a kid riding a homemade scooter down the street. Marty stops the kid, commandeers the scooter, and breaks it apart, creating a rudimentary skateboard. “I’ll get it back to you, all right?” he says as he skates out of frame.

Biff Wopat and crew emerge from the diner to chase Marty down on foot. With the help of his skateboard and a passing truck, Marty quickly outdistances them. Biff et al get in Biff’s car, a 1940s Ford convertible, inexplicably painted bright orange and with “01” stenciled on the side. (No Confederate flag on the convertible top, though—Biff may be a jerk, but he’s no bigot.)

Biff and company now give chase through the streets of Hill Valley, though Marty continues to elude them. When it appears the bad guys finally have Marty dead to rights, he escapes and sends the Ford barreling into a parked manure truck.

Instead of swerving and crashing broadside into the truck (as in the original film), Biff Wopat guns the engine. The truck’s bed is tilted upward to facilitate the unloading of manure (used as fertilizer), and Wopat uses it to ramp off of, sending his car flying through the air where it lands safely on the other side. He and his goons survive to torment Marty and George another day (of course).

Photo credit: JD Hancock via Foter.com / CC BY

 

Action and/or Adventure

Tom Wopat in: Batman

as: Batman/Bruce Wayne

batman

When it was first announced that Michael Keaton would play the role of the Caped Crusader in Tim Burton’s Batman, Warner Bros., the studio behind the film, received roughly fifty thousand letters of complaint. Keaton was far and away not the right man for the role. While Keaton’s performance ultimately proved these early critics wrong, we still think there’s one actor who would’ve been even better. (Bet you can’t guess who we’re thinking of!)

Key Changes

The first, and most obvious, change with Tom Wopat playing Batman (and his secret identity, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne) is that this Batman would be much more in line with the roguishly handsome, athletic, and rugged character depicted in the comic books. One of the complaints about Keaton playing the role was that he was not a “traditionally” good looking chap—Wopat is about as traditionally good looking a guy as you’ll ever find.

Additionally, Wopat’s stunt-fighting work on The Dukes of Hazzard would have made him more convincing in Batman’s action scenes. Keaton (and/or his stuntman) certainly did an admirable job in the film, but Wopat’s history of kicking butt on camera would’ve given the fight scenes a little more credence.

Casting Tom Wopat as Batman (Wobat?) would’ve also created a sort-of crossover between two of the most iconic pop culture automobiles of all time. While the Wobatmobile certainly wouldn’t have been painted bright orange or featured a “Dixie” horn blast, seeing Luke Duke behind the wheel would’ve been an unforgettable sight.

And, while Batman’s driving in the film is precise and controlled, a loosey-goosey, Duke Boys style of driving would’ve been more believable, in my opinion. No one could make such tight, perfect turns at high speeds as those depicted in Batman—with a Batmobile that long (over 21 feet from nose to tailfins) and powerful (0-60 MPH in 3.7 seconds), fishtailing would’ve been all but inevitable.

Fun/Interesting Fact

Michael Keaton is four days older than Tom Wopat.

Photo credit: wiredforlego via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

Action and/or Adventure

Tom Wopat in: The Fast & The Furious Series

as: Tom O’Conner

“There’s no ‘Tom O’Conner’ in the Fast & Furious movies?” says you, the blog reader/massive Vin Diesel fan. “Do you mean Brian O’Conner?” No, no I do not. For our purposes, we’ve added a new character to the series, played, of course, by Tom Wopat. How does he fit in? Read on, friend!

Fast & Furious: Generations

Trading on Tom Wopat’s reputation as an action-adventure guy who knows his way around a high-powered, custom automobile, but acknowledging that he’s a little too old to be part of the films’ regular crew, we’d have his character be the father of the above-mentioned Brian O’Conner (the late Paul Walker).

The fifth film in the physics- and logic-defying series, 5 Fast 5 Furious, establishes that Brian never really knew his father. We say fie on all that, and would’ve had Tom O’Conner be part of the series from the start. Though he’s now just a regular joe who works the factory floor at some random company—a brush manufacturer, maybe?—Tom spent a good bit of time in the World of Outlaws as a younger man. Tom passed his considerable driving skills on to Brian, allowing him to compete with the other skilled street racers in the first film. It’s not like the LAPD has a stunt driving school, you know.

Meh. Gimme the General any day of the week.

Meh. Gimme the General any day of the week.

Tom also clearly passed his piercing blue eyes and striking good looks to his son, so you’re welcome, ladies and select gentlemen. (Coincidentally, Tom Wopat is pretty much the perfect age to be Paul Walker’s father, so that works out smashingly.)

In our reimagining of the F&F movies, we’d have Wopat’s character show up in the first film for his one big scene, and pop up for cameos in the rest of the series. He’d most likely be in just one or two short scenes here and there, and maybe in some instances just being a voice at the other end of Walker’s phone. We see the Tom O’Conner character being the comic relief in most cases, with a few sage words of wisdom peppered in.

Representative Scene

In The Fast & the Furious (the first movie), after “proving” himself in a street race, Brian O’Conner and Dom Toretto (Diesel) flee the police who came to bust all the punks at said race. Brian takes Dom to his parents’ home, where the two hope to lay low for a while. As they pull into the driveway, Toretto spots a sweet, competition-orange 1969 Dodge Charger in the garage.

“Who’s ride is that?” he asks. “My old man’s,” Brian replies.

Inside, they find Tom O’Conner asleep in a Barcalounger with a Dodgers game on the TV before him. Brian wakes him up and, after introductions, Tom offers beers all around, which Brian and Dom gladly accept. Shortly, Brian excuses himself to use the restroom.

Tom’s no fool, and instinctively knows that Toretto is something of a ne’er-do-well. He gives his son’s bald, musclebound associate the third degree, trying to figure out just what his game is. Before long, Dom has had enough of the elder O’Conner’s questioning.

“Let it go, old man,” Toretto growls. “I don’t answer to you or anybody else.”

“Okay, tough guy,” Tom replies. “Don’t wanna hurt your feeling.”

“I’m gonna have to hurt a lot more than your feelings if you don’t shut your mouth,” Dom growls. (Note: “growls” is how Vin Diesel always talks.)

Lightning quick, Tom slaps Toretto across the face while simultaneously sweeping his legs out from under him. Brian returns from the loo just in time to see Dom hit the floor, with Tom standing over him, smirking.

Tom extends a hand to help Toretto to his feet, which he accepts. As he stands up again, Dom laughs and growls, “You know what, Brian? Your old man is all right.” From then on, respect all around.

Photo credit: Lee Bennett via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

Horror

Tom Wopat in: The Nightmare on Elm Street Series

as: Freddy Krueger

I know what you’re thinking: “Tom Wopat as the villain? Surely you jest!” Well, I don’t jest, and don’t call me Shirley. I’ll admit it seems highly unlikely, and it might be hard to buy him in such a role—who would believe that Wopat could be capable of such evilness? But, if there’s any classic horror villain/monster that could benefit from being Wopatized, it’s Freddy Krueger.

Why Wopat?

In this case, Wopat’s character would be well-served by the all-encompassing makeup. No one as good looking as Tom Wopat would ever fly as a Freddy Krueger-type bad guy; in order for this particular villain to be his most villainous, he’s got to be butt ugly. So, no worries on covering up Wopat’s handsome mug.

The character himself is a good mix of menace and humor, which would play to Wopat’s strengths as a thespian. I can’t necessarily say I’ve seen him play “menacing” anywhere, but he’s a good enough actor that he could pull it off—it’s not like it’s a particularly complex role, really. And, though the character’s demented sense of humor became more prominent in each successive sequel in the expansive franchise, he’s still plenty funny in the first flick. Wopat is, of course, a more than capable comic actor, and one that could undoubtedly find the right amount of wicked snark with which to infuse his line readings.

When A Nightmare on Elm Street debuted in 1984, it was an immediate commercial success, making roughly double its production budget at the box office in its first week of release, despite its cast of (then) unknowns. Meanwhile, Tom Wopat was in the midst of his first heyday, playing Luke Duke on TV’s The Dukes of Hazzard. With an established star like Wopat in Nightmare’s starring role, and playing so drastically against type, who knows what kind of business the flick would’ve done?

I’m gonna make an educated guesstimate and say it would’ve pulled in about $15 billion dollars (not adjusted for inflation). And Wopat would, of course reprise the role in the still-ongoing sequels and remakes (we refuse to use the term “reboot,” because it’s stupid), which would, in turn, bring in billions at the box office, making Tom Wopat the wealthiest private citizen in the northern hemisphere.

I honestly have no clue what's going on here.

I honestly have no clue what’s going on here.

Representative Scene

If I remember my Elm Street sequels correctly, there’s some reference to the origin of Freddy’s knife-fingered glove in Freddy’s Dead (Part 6), in which Alice Cooper plays Freddy’s dad (something like that?). References to the origin of Freddy himself are sprinkled throughout the series, but are not entirely consistent across the many sequels.

In the Wopatized Elm Street series, both “origin stories” would be fleshed out in the first film, just to get ‘em out of the way. He’d still be a child-murdering serial killer, and he’d still get attacked and burned to death by the parents of the kids he slaughtered (feel-good hit of the summer, right there). However, instead of being a janitor at the Springwood Elementary School (we think that’s right, anyway—it makes sense, since he’d be around very murderable kids all the time, but we can’t remember for sure), he works in a metalworking factory.

It’s there that we see Freddy Wopat creating his famous glove, using a wire EDM machine to fashion its razor-sharp, curved blades. He’d have to go a little more out of his way to find his victims, but the glove makes more sense that way. How would a janitor have the ability to create such a fiendish device?

Ultimately, the vengeful parents would hunt Freddy down at the factory instead of the school’s boiler room, as in the original version of the tale. Rather than intentionally burning the whole building down with Freddy inside, one of the parents would kind-of-sort-of-accidentally shove him into the EDM machine. The machine’s high-powered cutting electrode would blast Freddy in the face, killing him in a very painful fashion and leaving him with the grotesque all-over scarring he sports throughout the series.

Photo credit: dmuth via Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Action and/or Adventure, Original Wopatizations, Science Fiction and/or Fantasy

Tom Wopat in: Armageddon 2 (A—More or Less—Original Wopatization)

as: Mark Frost

First off, let me say that, despite its obvious scientific inaccuracies and the fact that it’s directed by unabashed schlockmeister Michael Bay, I absolutely love Armageddon. I can’t really explain why, but I do. Hard. Which is why I would love to see a sequel, as utterly ridiculous as it would inevitably be.

As you may recall, the hero of the original Armageddon was Harry Stamper, played by Bruce Willis with typical Bruce Willisness. You may also recall that Harry got blown to smithereens at the end of the flick, sacrificing himself to ensure the detonation of the bomb that would blow up the “planet killer” asteroid.

To replace the Harry character in Armageddon 2: Armageddon Harder you’d need an actor who can fill ably fill those empty, Bruce Willis-sized shoes. That actor is Tom Wopat.

A much simpler solution to the asteroid problem.

A much simpler solution to the asteroid problem.

Plot Synopsis

Much like the original film, Armageddon 2 is about a giant asteroid that’s on a collision course with Earth, and the heroic oil rig workers and astronauts who work together to save the day. In Armageddon, Willis played the father of Liv Tyler’s character, Grace Stamper; in Armageddon 2, the lead character, Mark Frost, is the father of Ben Affleck’s character from the first film, A.J. Frost. (We’re going to assume that all the characters who didn’t die in the first film will be returning for the sequel, as will the actors who portrayed them.)

Again, the US guvment detects an incoming asteroid—this one FOUR times the size of Texas—and comes up with a cunning plan to stop it: the same plan they used dang near 20 years ago when it happened the first time! They round up A.J. and the rest of the gang, but determine that stopping a bigger asteroid requires a bigger crew. A.J. immediately volunteers his father, Mark (played by Tom Wopat).

A.J., Grace, et al set out to track Mark/Wopat down. They find him working in the booming oil fields of North Dakota, operating a frac sand plant. He hasn’t worked on an actual oil rig in years, he explains, and so has lost his touch for the precision deep-drilling needed for the mission. A.J. eventually convinces him to join them, and they set off for NASA HQ in Houston for training.

As NASA no longer flies its own space missions, the project is a joint venture between American and Chinese space agencies, and Chinese astronauts are training with A.J., Mark, and the US team. Mark, being an old-school, true-blue-American type, is more than a little reluctant to work with, as he puts it, “those Commie SOBs.”

The training goes remarkably well for the most part, as many of the crew went through a similar process in Armageddon. The whole gang takes off into space, this time in THREE separate shuttles—the Freedom II, the Independence II and the Liberty. As in the first film, the crew is divided up into multiple teams to ensure success in case one of them crashes into the asteroid and dies horribly (or fails in another, less spectacular fashion).

After a quick pit stop at the International Space Station, which does not go down in flames like Mir did in a similar situation in the first film, all three shuttles fly out to meet the asteroid head on, having learned a valuable lesson the last time out about approaching a colossal space object from behind. Nevertheless, Freedom II is struck by flying debris and is destroyed; her entire crew dies with her.

Independence II and Liberty land safely on opposite sides of the asteroid and commence drilling, with A.J. leading the crew of the former ship and Wopat captaining the team from the latter. Both teams work to drill to the center of the asteroid, so that another ginormous nuclear bomb can be stuffed inside. A.J.’s team is doing exceptionally well at first, hitting the various depth checkpoints well before the allotted time has passed. The other group initially fares poorly, as Mark continues to butt heads with his Chinese teammates.

Before long, A.J.’s drill hits a gas pocket, and the ensuing explosion (because everything unexpected must lead to an explosion in a Michael Bay movie) leaves A.J. injured and unable to continue his task. The drill itself, a new-and-improved version of the Armadillos from the first film, is damaged but still functional; they also lose the ability to communicate with the Liberty team. One of the Chinese team members takes control of the Armadillo and continues drilling.

Meanwhile, Wopat and crew are hitting their stride. Mark, despite his ongoing disputes with his Chinese colleagues, rediscovers his deep-drilling groove and is soon closing in on the target depth. However, their slow start means that the “zero hour,” the time by which they absolutely must detonate their bomb, is rapidly approaching.

To make matters worse, miscommunication between Mark and a Chinese crewman lead to their team’s drill being incapacitated following another (larger and louder than necessary) explosion. Following a considerable verbal and physical altercation, Wopat sets out to deploy the bomb, shoving it ahead of him into the hole he’s drilled. He knows they haven’t reached their mark, but there is no other alternative.

As he reaches the bottom of the hole, Mark/Wopat realizes that he’s in the same scenario that Harry Stamper found himself in all those years ago. Knowing he will likely die, he apologizes to his Chinese teammates in the kind of manly-yet-tearjerking monologue common to action movies of this ilk.

Just when all seems lost, Independence II’s team’s drill breaks through the opposite side of Mark’s asteroid hole. The two teams combined to drill a hole all the way through the asteroid, albeit unintentionally. The Chinese crew member operating the other Armadillo makes a totally hilarious joke about the irony of him drilling all the way through and finding an American.

Wopat rides to the surface on the Armadillo’s extendable arm, but not before placing the second bomb (from the Independence II). The hole through the asteroid somehow makes communication between the two teams possible again, and after a quick explanation of what happened, everyone hastily climbs aboard their respective spaceships.

They take off and are clear of the asteroid with a full minute to spare. The bombs detonate, the asteroid is essentially vaporized, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except all the guys who blew up with the Freedom II, but none of them were main characters anyway, so who cares?

Photo credit: originalrobart via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

Action and/or Adventure, Science Fiction and/or Fantasy

Tom Wopat in: Star Wars

as: Han Solo, of course.

If The Duke of Hazzard hadn’t started airing two years after the original Star Wars movie was released, I’d be surprised as heck that things didn’t shake out this way to begin with. If you think about it, Han Solo and Luke Duke are clearly cut from the same cloth: roguish, a little bit cocky, dark haired, good looking, and both are excellent drivers/pilots with totally kicka$$ rides. (I guarantee the General Lee could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.) And Tom Wopat and Harrison Ford both had flat-out spectacular hair in the late ‘70s, too.

Han Solo

Scene: Escape from the Death Star

After busting Princess Leia out of the Detention Level, and avoiding being squashed like a bug in the garbage compactor, the fearless Han Wopat leads Leia, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, R2-D2, and C-3PO back to hangar bay and the awaiting Millennium Falcon.

On the way, they encounter a patrol of Imperial Storm Troopers. Wopat and Chewbacca open fire and give chase.

*Here, we’d replace Han Solo’s pistol-style blaster with one that’s more similar to Chewie’s crossbow rifle, because, y’know, the Dukes love their bows and arrows. Maybe a hybrid pistol/crossbow blaster or something like that.*

After retreating from a phalanx of Storm Troopers who had ambushed them, Han Wopat and Chewbacca soon rendezvous with Luke, Leia, and the Droids. They dash toward the Falcon, with Wopat and Luke blasting enemies left and right.

As Darth Vader approaches, the group wisely decides to make a run for it. Wopat runs, jumps, and slides across the hood of the Falcon, then dives nimbly through the open window and into the driver’s seat. Chewie soon joins him as co-pilot, followed closely by the others, all of whom used the more traditional loading ramp as their entrance.

Wopat brings the Millennium Falcon roaring to life and stomps on the gas. Leaving a cloud of smoke and patches of burned rubber in his wake, he steers the ship up a conveniently-placed but wholly unnecessary ramp. The Rebels flee into space as the orchestral score plays a variation of the intro to Dixie.

Photo credit: John Kannenberg via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND