Tom Wopat in: Terminator 2

as: Miles Dyson

Let us preface this by saying that we strongly dislike the Terminator movies. We don’t object to the violence or the salty language; no, we object to the fact that the basic premise of the series is stupid.

If Skynet and their robotic minions are so smart, why did they make their cyborgs—which are initially intended to infiltrate the human resistance and wipe it out from the inside—all look alike, and more than that, make them all look like an easily recognizable person? “Hey,” a human resistance fighter says as another perfectly-muscled stranger strides up to their camp, “isn’t that the same meathead who tried to blow us up last week?” If, for whatever reason, the Terminators did all have to look the same, wouldn’t it have worked better if they looked like average dudes?

Also: if your cyborgs are meant to blend in with your enemy, and the majority of the fighting apparently takes place in (the ruins of) America, why give them thick Austrian accents?

With that in mind, we dreamed up a scenario in which Tom Wopat, stepping into Joe Morton’s role, makes one small choice that ultimately ends the series at its logical conclusion (the end of the second movie).

Squint and it looks just like Tommy Dubya.

Squint and it looks just like Tommy Dubya.

Key Changes

Rather than changes based on the actor playing the role, the Wopatized Terminator 2 would change the path the character takes. This change could easily have been made with Morton still in the role, but if we’re going to have an actor save us from three—and counting?—lousy sequels and a short-lived, easily-forgotten TV series, it might as well be Tom Wopat, right? Right.

The Wopatized film progresses exactly as the original version up until Arnold Schwarzenegger leads John Connor, Sarah Connor, and Wopat’s Miles Dyson to Cyberdyne Systems’ headquarters. There, instead of destroying the remaining components of the destroyed Terminator from the first film, he simply alters all the blueprints and data that Cyberdyne has thus far developed toward the creation of new cyborgs.

He doesn’t even need to make significant changes. By simply altering the designs so that each component is a tenth of an inch off from its original dimensions, it would completely screw everything up. Parts for the prototype Terminators would come back from the short run stampers and nothing would fit right.

Instead of blowing himself up in a gigantic fireball that takes half the building with him, Wopat/Dyson could just keep fudging the information every month or so. Just like five or six different parts (out of probably thousands) every time—not enough so it’s easily noticeable sabotage, but enough to keep the machine from being assembled correctly. Eventually, the Cyberdyne bigwigs would tire of wasting money on a project that is going nowhere, and would cancel the whole thing.

Granted, this tactic wouldn’t help defeat the evil, shapeshifting T-1000, but hey, that’s what Arnie’s there for.

Photo credit: Thomas Hawk via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

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